1610: I Promise…

1610

Airdate: April 17, 2008
Boot:
Ozzy Lusth
Quote:
“Just because you’ve gotten on everybody’s nerves don’t mean a donut is going to make it better. You really can’t expect to appease everybody over a donut. So if you tempt somebody with a donut and they say, ‘Oh yeah, sure,’ they might just have wanted a damn donut.” – James Clement
Rating: 10 + Tier D (2) = 12

Have I been unfair to Survivor: Micronesia? My fairly low ranking of this incredibly popular season is by far my most controversial Survivor opinion…and other than my preference for Continue reading “1610: I Promise…”

815: The Instigator

815

Airdate: May 6, 2004
Boot:
Tom Buchanan
Quote:
“Pony ride’s over. You’re welcome for carrying you this far.” – “Boston Rob” Mariano’s unrevealed vote at Tribal Council
Rating: 7 + Tier D (2) = 9

What’s with all the penultimate episodes from early seasons now? This is the third of the last four entries featuring one, and the second consecutive episode I’m reviewing in which Big Tom’s trustworthiness is questioned and he loses both of the exact same challenges (a ‘second chance’ competition with elements of past challenges and a word search). Man, say what you will about the guy being hard to understand and perhaps a bit backwards in his attitude towards women and minorities, but he is remarkably consistent in Final 5 episodes.

On paper, this is the last round of the game in which Rob and Amber’s love affair/empire/reign of terror (pick one or all three) is in danger of ending, because they’re at a 3-2 numbers disadvantage. However, maybe it’s just because I know the outcome, but at no point does it really feel like Jenna, Rupert, and Tom will do the math and team up. Sure, they’re aware that they could do it, but the idea seems more of a passing fancy. Any doubt that Rob and Amber are safe is gone when Continue reading “815: The Instigator”

313: Truth Be Told

313

Airdate: January 2, 2002
Boot:
Teresa “T-Bird” Cooper
Quote:
“It’s completely gone to cutthroat mode. And if I think that Tom, I think that he’s in a situation where he’s about to screw me over and stab me in the back, I’ll cut his throat.” – Lex van den Berghe
Rating: 6 + Tier A (5) = 11

One of the most heart-breaking moments in Survivor history didn’t occur during the 39-day stretch of a season. It was Continue reading “313: Truth Be Told”

3513: Million Dollar Night

3513

Airdate: December 20, 2017
Boots:
Mike Zahalsky, Devon Pinto
Finalists:
Ben Driebergen, Chrissy Hofbeck, Ryan Ulrich (5-2-1)
Quote:
“Ben is like the bad guy in any horror movie. You just keep trying to kill him and he keeps coming back to life.” – Mike Zahalsky
Rating: 3 + Tier C (3) = 6

Over the course of the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother, we were finally introduced to Ted Mosby’s beloved, Tracy. Audiences couldn’t help but fall for this charming manic pixie dream girl, so it was deeply disappointing when she was killed off from a mysterious disease, diagnosed with a malignant case of inconvenience to the narrative. After nearly a decade of repeated reminders of how Ted and Robin were a terrible match for one another, Tracy was cast aside in order to bring that pair together.

How I Met Your Mother is clearly untouchable in terms of shows retroactively ruining themselves via a horrendously upsetting finale. But Survivor‘s 35th season, Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers, ended on a similarly frustrating note, with the producers rewriting the rulebook at the last second with an awful format change that further emphasizes the gaping difference between Survivor the game and Survivor the TV show. It’s tempting to just Continue reading “3513: Million Dollar Night”

214: The Final Four

214

Airdate: April 26, 2001
Boot:
Elisabeth Filarski
Quote:
“We’ve lost a third-grader.” – Elisabeth Filarski, on the final four’s combined 85-pound weight loss
Rating: 3 + Tier B (4) = 7

It’s the summer of 2000, and Mark Burnett and CBS have got a hit on their hands. In planning the obligatory Survivor sequel, they understandably adopted an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality, only making one key adjustment: stretching the sophomore season by an additional three days. Whether this was because Continue reading “214: The Final Four”

3401: The Stakes Have Been Raised (Part 1)

3401

Airdate: March 8, 2017
Boot:
Ciera Eastin
Quote:
“That’s what I know how to do: make it to day 39 and not get voted off. The queen stays queen. Adios.” – Sandra Diaz-Twine
Rating: 6 + Tier D (2) = 8

Let’s just state the obvious here: Game Changers is the most unnecessary season of all time. Nobody was asking for a returnee season just a year after Cambodia, and certainly nobody was pining to see this motley assortment of randos and people playing for, like, the 15th time come together. Actually, this whole project of reviewing Survivor episodes via a random number generator was inspired by the Game Changers casting process, where the 20 contestants were chosen via a drunken game of darts between Jeff Probst and Tyler Perry.

s31cast.jpg
“I don’t care that T-Bird didn’t get voted in. I’m just pissed off we’re missing out on the Troyzan and Brad Culpepper showdown of the century!” – Some dude with brain damage the night the Second Chance cast was announced, probably

 

Look, if you’re reading this, you don’t need me to tell you how ridiculously Continue reading “3401: The Stakes Have Been Raised (Part 1)”

2204: Don’t You Work for Me?

2204.jpg

Airdate: March 9, 2011
Boot:
Russell Hantz (eliminated from Redemption Island); Kristina Kell
Quote:
“If I am able to watch Russell walk off and go home, that would be my million dollars almost.” – Sarita White
Rating: 6 + Tier E (1) = 7

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. The first season I have to double-dip into is easily my least favorite season of all time (although stay tuned for season 38!). With this episode, I will have reviewed as many episodes from Redemption Island as I have from the first 11 seasons combined. Well, on the bright side, it means I’m a step closer to wrapping up this snoozefest, and this is the episode where Russell gets eliminated so I guess that’s cool. Of course, it would have been a lot more satisfying if Continue reading “2204: Don’t You Work for Me?”