Samoa Episode 10: The Day of Reckoning

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Airdate: November 19, 2009
Boot: Laura Morett
Quote: “It’s continually impressive and bordering on annoying how pathetic the analytical skills of the Galu tribe are.” – John Fincher
Rating: 7 + Tier E (1) = 8

Frustrating. That’s the only word to describe this episode. It’s not bad. It’s relatively interesting and entertaining, at least for a Samoa episode. But it’s frustrating. And here are the top nine reasons why, in chronological order: Continue reading “Samoa Episode 10: The Day of Reckoning” →

Micronesia Episode 10: I Promise…

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Airdate: April 17, 2008
Boot: Ozzy Lusth
Quote: “Just because you’ve gotten on everybody’s nerves don’t mean a donut is going to make it better. You really can’t expect to appease everybody over a donut. So if you tempt somebody with a donut and they say, ‘Oh yeah, sure,’ they might just have wanted a damn donut.” – James Clement
Rating: 10 + Tier B (4) = 14

Have I been unfair to Survivor: Micronesia? My fairly low ranking of this incredibly popular season is by far my most controversial Survivor opinion…and other than my preference for Continue reading “Micronesia Episode 10: I Promise…” →

All-Stars Episode 15: The Instigator

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Airdate: May 6, 2004
Boot: Tom Buchanan
Quote: “Pony ride’s over. You’re welcome for carrying you this far.” – “Boston Rob” Mariano’s unrevealed vote at Tribal Council
Rating: 7 + Tier C (3) = 10

What’s with all the penultimate episodes from early seasons now? This is the third of the last four entries featuring one, and the second consecutive episode I’m reviewing in which Big Tom’s trustworthiness is questioned and he loses both of the exact same challenges (a ‘second chance’ competition with elements of past challenges and a word search). Man, say what you will about the guy being hard to understand and perhaps a bit backwards in his attitude towards women and minorities, but he is remarkably consistent in Final 5 episodes.

On paper, this is the last round of the game in which Rob and Amber’s love affair/empire/reign of terror (pick one or all three) is in danger of ending, because they’re at a 3-2 numbers disadvantage. However, maybe it’s just because I know the outcome, but at no point does it really feel like Jenna, Rupert, and Tom will do the math and team up. Sure, they’re aware that they could do it, but the idea seems more of a passing fancy. Any doubt that Rob and Amber are safe is gone when Continue reading “All-Stars Episode 15: The Instigator” →

Africa Episode 13: Truth Be Told

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Airdate: January 2, 2002
Boot: Teresa “T-Bird” Cooper
Quote: “It’s completely gone to cutthroat mode. And if I think that Tom, I think that he’s in a situation where he’s about to screw me over and stab me in the back, I’ll cut his throat.” – Lex van den Berghe
Rating: 6 + Tier A (5) = 11

One of the most heart-breaking moments in Survivor history didn’t occur during the 39-day stretch of a season. It was Continue reading “Africa Episode 13: Truth Be Told” →

Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers Episode 13: Million Dollar Night

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Airdate: December 20, 2017
Boots: Mike Zahalsky, Devon Pinto
Finalists: Ben Driebergen, Chrissy Hofbeck, Ryan Ulrich (5-2-1)
Quote: “Ben is like the bad guy in any horror movie. You just keep trying to kill him and he keeps coming back to life.” – Mike Zahalsky
Rating: 3 + Tier C (3) = 6

Over the course of the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother, we were finally introduced to Ted Mosby’s beloved, Tracy. Audiences couldn’t help but fall for this charming manic pixie dream girl, so it was deeply disappointing when she was killed off from a mysterious disease, diagnosed with a malignant case of inconvenience to the narrative. After nearly a decade of repeated reminders of how Ted and Robin were a terrible match for one another, Tracy was cast aside in order to bring that pair together.

How I Met Your Mother is clearly untouchable in terms of shows retroactively ruining themselves via a horrendously upsetting finale. But Survivor‘s 35th season, Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers, ended on a similarly frustrating note, with the producers rewriting the rulebook at the last second with an awful format change that further emphasizes the gaping difference between Survivor the game and Survivor the TV show. It’s tempting to just Continue reading “Heroes vs. Healers vs. Hustlers Episode 13: Million Dollar Night” →

The Australian Outback Episode 14: The Final Four

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Airdate: April 26, 2001
Boot: Elisabeth Filarski
Quote: “We’ve lost a third-grader.” – Elisabeth Filarski, on the final four’s combined 85-pound weight loss
Rating: 3 + Tier B (4) = 7

It’s the summer of 2000, and Mark Burnett and CBS have got a hit on their hands. In planning the obligatory Survivor sequel, they understandably adopted an “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality, only making one key adjustment: stretching the sophomore season by an additional three days. Whether this was because Continue reading “The Australian Outback Episode 14: The Final Four” →

Game Changers Episode 1: The Stakes Have Been Raised (Part 1)

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Airdate: March 8, 2017
Boot: Ciera Eastin
Quote: “That’s what I know how to do: make it to day 39 and not get voted off. The queen stays queen. Adios.” – Sandra Diaz-Twine
Rating: 6 + Tier D (2) = 8

Let’s just state the obvious here: Game Changers is the most unnecessary season of all time. Nobody was asking for a returnee season just a year after Cambodia, and certainly nobody was pining to see this motley assortment of randos and people playing for, like, the 15th time come together. Actually, this whole project of reviewing Survivor episodes via a random number generator was inspired by the Game Changers casting process, where the 20 contestants were chosen via a drunken game of darts between Jeff Probst and Tyler Perry.

“I don’t care that T-Bird didn’t get voted in. I’m just pissed off we’re missing out on the Troyzan and Brad Culpepper showdown of the century!” – Some dude with brain damage the night the Second Chance cast was announced, probably

Look, if you’re reading this, you don’t need me to tell you how ridiculously Continue reading “Game Changers Episode 1: The Stakes Have Been Raised (Part 1)” →

Redemption Island Episode 4: Don’t You Work for Me?

Airdate: March 9, 2011
Boot: Russell Hantz (eliminated from Redemption Island); Kristina Kell
Quote: “If I am able to watch Russell walk off and go home, that would be my million dollars almost.” – Sarita White
Rating: 6 + Tier E (1) = 7

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. The first season I have to double-dip into is easily my least favorite season of all time (although stay tuned for season 38!). With this episode, I will have reviewed as many episodes from Redemption Island as I have from the first 11 seasons combined. Well, on the bright side, it means I’m a step closer to wrapping up this snoozefest, and this is the episode where Russell gets eliminated so I guess that’s cool. Of course, it would have been a lot more satisfying if Continue reading “Redemption Island Episode 4: Don’t You Work for Me?” →

Samoa Episode 3: It’s Called a Russell Seed

Airdate: October 1, 2009
Boot: Ben Browning
Quote: “This might be the worst group in history. And I might be the best.” – Russell Hantz
Rating: 3 + Tier E (1) = 4

The first few episodes of any Survivor season are a tricky beast. Some start slow but find their groove a couple weeks in, while others kick off with a bang but an unfortunate boot order depletes them of their most entertaining characters. Once in a while, though, you can judge a book by its cover–or maybe more accurately, its first few chapters. Samoa very much falls into the realm of “what you see is what you get.” If the Continue reading “Samoa Episode 3: It’s Called a Russell Seed” →

Africa Episode 6: I’d Never Do It to You

Airdate: November 15, 2001
Boot: Lindsey Richter
Quote: “I don’t care if I’m voted out tonight because I didn’t vote for a friend of mine, and that makes me the happiest person on the face of the earth.” – Lindsey Richter
Rating: 9 + Tier A (5) = 14

We’re officially in old-school Survivor territory here. Like, super-old-school. Which is worrisome for me. I haven’t rewatched any vintage Survivor episodes in well over five years. Yet I still stubbornly remember this as the “best” era of the show, a simple time when alliances stuck together and players were voted out because they got the most votes, not because they were the only person lacking some sort of trinket that guaranteed them immunity. Ah, those were the days. But what if the content that was so compelling in 2001 proved to be slow and dull in 2018? What if I found these episodes (gasp) boring? Continue reading “Africa Episode 6: I’d Never Do It to You” →